You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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