someone get that fucking seahorse.
I met the friendliest cop last night
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
