my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
