That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
