You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
