he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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