I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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