I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
