We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
