The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
