For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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