I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
