Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
