I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
