I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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