Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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