I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
