Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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