Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Randomize
