Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
