So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
