There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
not ubering you a puppy
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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