somebody snuck up and got me drunk
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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