So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
