where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Randomize
