my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Randomize
