Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
