apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Randomize
