John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize