I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
