I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
