I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
