Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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