I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize
