You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I just googled if crying burns calories
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
