Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
