Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Randomize
