Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
