She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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