i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
