oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
