It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
