i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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