it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Randomize
