I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
