I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
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