I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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