ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
It's blow job season.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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