Can i not drive my cunt home
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
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