Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
