Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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