dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
