How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
