oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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