why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
