i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
