Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Randomize
