Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I AM VODKA MAN
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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