Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Randomize
