You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
