I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
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