Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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