Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
