Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
