I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
lol hangovers are for mortals.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
