I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize